Having Gratitude

I miss writing. I don't know what happened.. An odd poem or scribble comes out of me like a random flatulence now. Unfortunately I have gas more often than I try to write. Even just jotting down these words feels like visiting an old stomping ground I use to frequent but forgot the path to. The truth is though I haven't forgotten, I've just grown lazy, uninspired, and complacent in my habits. Storing up your thoughts is no good. There are only so many cookies you can fit in the cookie jar before the lid won't fit on. Then, the cookies all dry up. Perhaps that's what I'm feeling? Dried up. Well, that's a depressing thought.

I use to journal my thoughts and ideas. Somewhere along the way of complacency my journal has become a simple daily log of actions and little more. It's only lately occurred to me that I've taken out all of the creativity of my journaling. What is the point in recording that on thursday, the 3^rd of May I listed 21 books, had pizza for dinner and felt constipated? How did I get here? What happened to derail my inspiration? I know I'm craving it because I read like a freak. I watch tons of movies and take in information like a sponge. The wheels are turning, I'm importing but not exporting much. I don't know if I've simply gotten lazy and unmotivated or the worse possible answer; I've just given up?

I'm hoping even by writing this little blurb of thought I'm digging myself slowly out of the sand. Perhaps I've just been in some stunted slumber? Perhaps there is hope in small epiphanies? For instance, it's 11:26 at night – an hour I'm not accustomed to, of all things trying to write, purge, force out thoughts in some semi-organized way, if for no other reason to simply do it. To remember I still can.

So, with the thought of thanksgiving soon I am forcing myself to dwell instead on the things to be thankful for. Not a usual place I visit in my head, but perhaps one I should. It would be easy to avoid this as life is an endless cycle of oopsies and unpleasant surprises where just getting through the day is often a massive feat. But just for a minute I am going to side-step the cringing reminder of my massive mortgage, ailing car and slow business. We all have things to be grateful for and even in a stunted slumber I can think of some. I am grateful NOT to be the following; blind, deaf, seriously ill, without limbs, incontinent, bald, homeless, jobless, friendless, fanatically religious or republican. I am grateful to my wonderful, frustrating, characteristic cat, Gertrude who fills my days with smiles and laughter and soft snuggles. There is no better place to land your head than a purring, warm kitty belly. I am grateful for my wits. For having them about me still and recognizing small beauties in daily life. I am grateful for feeling and being loved. That is a wonderful feeling and one that is not small in any capacity. I am grateful for the ability to love, even on my most cynical days. I am grateful for having the confidence to think for myself. I am grateful for an amazing mother, whom I miss daily. I am grateful for a few friends that renew my faith in humanity. I am grateful for teeth that are all mine, my back for not giving up on me, and my breasts for not succumbing to gravity. I am grateful to still feel like i have something to say, and manage in some fashion to say it.

It is easy to focus on the things to do, the many things that need fixing or change.

It is very easy to get down, frustrated and unhappy with all that isn't how we would like them to be. But, when life is often that series of unpleasant surprises, it can also have meaningful epiphanies.....still.