And because the proprietor of such funds is not around to thank, one can feel an insurmountable guilt and host of emotions. The gamut of feelings from great to shit-faced. Only then does the real responsibility begin.
You can do what you want, but then what is that exactly? When it's never been an option before you might find that you've never taken the time to answer the question. This is as new of a proposition to you as a strategic, happy life behind a white picket fence with cloth diapers dangling from the clothes line.
I don't fucking know.
Or do I?
I will buy that bed I've needed for most of the year that won't hurt my back. I'll take care of business necessities and personal qualms but those aren't as important...they've waited this long.
The word 'Need' hits me with a sideswipe and all i can think of is what i would buy for you.
I'd buy you a top of the line, Versace brand gilt plated set of wings to wear. I'd beam at the purchase as you looked at me with a half smirk and said, "Amy, comfort..." soooo, I'd settle on silver and fleece. I'd point happily at the diamond studded pumps as you casually moved my pointer finger over to the more logical, leather-clad Birkenstocks of which i would relent. I'd pick out one in every color ( like you use to have).
In my exuberant frustration i would turn you around and say with persistent eyes, "Mom, you deserve the best." and you wouldn't miss a beat then as you smiled casually and stated, "I had it."
Oh, but that is only a foolish girl's need to believe! in lieu of knowing the truth. The Truth.
Mama didn't raise no fool.
Diamond pumps and gold plated wings aside, I really only want to buy time. With You.
I want your time. I'm able to pay $1,000 a minute. We have to make it quick Mom.
I grab for you like the last ice cream offered at a state fair on a 100 degree day. I would spend every precious second trying to be half of what you were to me. I'd simply hold onto you and be there. Holding and waiting. Remember .....? The time you came back from a Chemo appointment to find me curled up on your bed crying? There you were, depleted and wrung dry and somehow found the energy to sit down and crush me to your chest in the tightest hug as I selfishly cried. I'll never forget that feeling. How did you have that? That surge of force that shouldn't have existed and yet did. Because you loved me. You passed something to me then and there that I'd buy all the time in the world to repay if i could.
Courage got its definition from you. That is the truth i know for sure. That is the bet i will put money on every time.
So in that blindingly perfect moment of holding onto you again I would shut the hell up and instead tell you everything through wordless exchange. It would equate to the most beautiful sunset on the Oregon Coast times ten. I wouldn't trade it for anything ever.
Then, the last minute buzzer would sound and I'd pull away only to wipe my eyes, hold your hands and pull out my utter best. There's no need to say what you already know, so instead I'd take that momentous time to infuse you with sheer joy and laughter.
I'd make you laugh..... That was always my favorite thing. Whole heartedly, from the belly, tear stained eyes - yes, i would. I'd make you laugh harder than you ever had. The lines around your soft eyes would crinkle, your stomach would ache and you'd beg me to stop. The tears would be escaping your eyes as mine did as well. The moment would glisten in perfection. Life would be as wide as the universe.
I'd catch you then - in silver fleece wings and purple Birkenstocks smiling so hard your eyes were bursting with the bright sun. And you'd fade slowly - like an old black and white movie nearing the end...
I would turn, into the blinding sun your eyes left behind, rattling an empty lined pocket with a melancholy smile. Only then, only T h e n...would I be the richest person alive.
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